Monday, September 27, 2010

moving; back to the hollands

as much as I love blogging, I feel like I am betraying The Hollands I will be moving all of these post over there, and I am going to start trying to blog more. :) See you all over there.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

[written awhile ago]

Once upon a time, you made my heart melt; you gave me butterflies and made me think that anything and everything was possible with you by my side.

Once upon a time, I thought I would be the only girl to kiss you, the only girl to be apart of your world, the only one to know you in a way no one else did.

You and I met, and we were both so young. We barely knew ourselves, much less each other. We thought that love would be enough to make a go at real life love. We thought that because we said we were adults, meant that we were. Little did we know that being adults, being married, being 100% percent with that person for the rest of your life was something that was just that; being with one person for the rest of your life.

I realize now, that for some people being that person is not a possibility. I am okay with that part of you, because that is how it is. I know that people change, and that people are capable of change, but to change a person has to want to change.

There are times when I really need to just have a person to hold my hand, I have been going through so many things, and you are not there. I need to let go of the idea of you, the idea that we are going to some how go back in time, and wake up and you have done nothing to hurt me and I have done nothing to hurt you.

painting the town red..

Tonight; I plan to paint the town red.

I am not going to just sit around and not do something because J doesn’t want me to. I have wanted to go out with my friends the last couple weeks and one way or another it hasn’t worked out. It is a pretty known fact that where I am going I will see J. I am not concerned. I want to go, sit and have an actual conversation with someone. I go to work. I go to school. I go home and go to bed. I don’t really talk to people all that much…but the people I do talk to, pretty much rock. J

I am going to wear my cutest pair of jeans, my cute heels, do my hair nice, touch up my make up, and I am going to smile. I am going to show him and everyone else that I am capable of life after marriage. That I do not need Justin in my life…I want them to see that he is nice to me, and that behind closed doors he begs to come home, NOT the other way around. I am not the one that keeps begging to come home, I am not the one who calls drunk and screams at the others voicemail, crying to come home. I am also not the one that text or calls the next morning not remembering {acting} what happened the night before, and asking me to spend lunch with them!!

I am doing it on my own {with the help from my family…that I am paying back J}, I am not asking J for money…the courts will do that in October when my fall term financial aid comes in. I am actually looking forward to the divorce {at this moment, it changes all the time}, I am looking forward to not having to say my husband…well not really my husband…we’re separated. I want to just say “My ex.”

One of the hardest things is a story…for the last five years all or most of my stories have to do with Justin. So when I start to tell a story, it has Justin as one of the main components…I hate that. I don’t want to seem like I am talking about him all the time, but I am. I can feel people getting bored of it. Besides work and school that is the only thing that is going on in my life, unless you want to talk to me about doctor appointments or the dentist, because I go to both of those quite frequently. Which by the way, my teeth are verrry healthy [after a massive cleaning], my body is clean.. I went and got tested after J went on his women binge. You know what I notice more is that I refer to him by his first name now…I type J just to get through it faster. But in real life, I say his name, when I talk to him, I say his name, I never called him by his first name, it was always babe, or J. It’s strange how little things are starting to change.

I got a roommate. I shouldn’t have any trouble paying any of the bills or rent now. I am really excited. He works nights, and really is home about as much as I am. So the house should stay clean, and all picked up. I am slowly buying more and more decorations for the house. I am hoping that after the divorce is over I will go and get new furniture for the house. I am really ready to make that house a home. I bought a couple pieces of wall art this last weekend. It looks really nice. I have made my bathroom kind of beach themed. I have two black and white pictures in frames of the beach, and a glass jar of seashells. I think that another larger picture frame with a black and white picture of the beach would be cute or collections of pictures near the bathtub…hmm…one room at a time. J One day at a time… J

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

some pictures; since I never blog..

I'll just throw out some recent ones. :)

My wonderful friends.

i do love him...

Is starting to realize being alone, isn’t that bad…okay…yeah it is. But it’s not bad enough that I cry, or want to lie in bed all day and do nothing [anymore.]. Justin thinks it’s fun [or at least he must, considering he does it all the time] to mess with my head. Telling me part of the time that he wants nothing to do with me, that he is not going to change for me or anyone else, that he doesn’t care what happens to me, and that he is so happy to be “out from under my thumb” && then, he sends me texts or calls and says he loves me, he asks me to dinners, he finds out from people where I’ll be and will call a million times to try to ruin my fun.

Last night, I got a text from him, after he had freaked out for the last hour because I have plans Thursday and I wouldn’t tell him what I was doing. I’ll probably be doing the exact same thing I do every Thursday; school & then consider going to drinks in CG…so after the fighting, I finally said—enough, I am done. Go to sleep. His reply “good night Mrs. Holland. I love you. Please forgive me for everything that has happened between us, I don’t want to lose you.” I didn’t reply…I was bawling. Then about an hour or so later, he sent a text “Are you awake?” I said yes, he then called to say he loved me, and asked me to say it back.

I do love him. I have never loved anyone the way that I love Justin. I could forgive him, and let him move back in, and forget all of everything happened. But what would be the point? We would just do it again.

You all hate Justin…but I am far from innocent. I am mean sometimes, really mean. I have cheated, a lot. I have lied. Lied about things that have been devastating to Justin when I finally told him the truth. Justin and I have never been good to or for each other. We struggled with finances our entire relationship, we’ve struggled with infidelity, we struggled with abuse, and we’ve struggled. That seems to be the only constant thing in our life…that we have struggled.

There is so much going on in my life, and if he were to move in, we would just fight. I do not have time to do much in my life, except go to school and work. I have the weekends off sometimes, but I work every other Sunday. I got my new schedule, and I have school from 5:50 to 10:40 Monday through Thursday. I am not okay with that. The term I am almost done with had me getting out of school at like 8:40-9:20 Monday-Thursday.

why...? [9.15.2010]

There are times when you look around and wonder what the heck you are doing in your life. Currently I am there;

· Why do I continue to work at a job that I less than love?

· Why do I continue to let Justin get to me?

· Why am I so hung up on what he does with his life?

· Why do I really care what those trashy girls that literally flaunt their nastiness do?

· I don’t even live in Cottage Grove, and yet I still have that drama in my life.

· Should I stay or go? Idaho? Anywhere really, that doesn’t have Justin.

I do not hate Justin. Actually I love him, I want to be with him. I want to figure out a way to go back in time, make all the bad disappear and forget all about the other girls. I want to just erase the things that are/were horrible, and just move on with our lives. I want to go to counseling and have them fix us, give us the tools to know how to deal with stress, the ability to communicate with each other and tell the other one everything that we are feeling, and the way that it hurt us.

But really, would it work. He did such horrible things with those girls. He was intimate with multiple girls. I have hung out with other guys, not been intimate with them, and Justin holds that as a higher sin. He thinks that going to a movie, and dinner or just a date type setting with another man is a greater sin than just having a one-night stand with them. He says that you actually talk on a date, and you establish feelings, and wants to hang out with that person more. He says he feels nothing for those girls, it’s just something that he wants at the time, and they were willing.

Way to be complete disrespectful of women. He says that he has always treated me with respect, but let me tell you something—when you are married, and then you become separated but you are telling the other person in the relationship that you really want to work on things, and that you still love them, and that you don’t want to be with anyone else && you then you decide to step out of that relationship and have relations with multiple women…you just disrespected your wife, on the highest level. It is called adultery.

I do not want to be divorced. I do not want to not be Justin’s wife. I want to still be Mrs. H. I don’t want to be single. First kisses, the innocence of hand holding, small talk, late night conversations with someone new; does not appeal to me. I want familiarity, I want to know the touch of the man touching me, I want to know the way he smells, the way he likes his eggs cooked, the way I know exactly what he is thinking before he even says it. I love knowing him through and through, I love knowing him better than I know anyone. He knows me just the same; he knows so many things about me that no one knows.

I hope that my love for him dwindles over time. I hope he is able to find happiness outside of a bottle of alcohol, and I hope that above all he is able to make something out of his life.

My life is currently in shambles. I am so close to losing everything, the house is out of control, and the landlords are not working with me what-so-ever about rent, I am 10 days late and if the rent is not deposited by tomorrow, they are going to evict me, before last month I had not been late once on my rent, and last month I paid half, and then the other half on my next payday. I am working as hard as I possibly can, and still everything just seems to be piling up on me. I will figure it out, eventually… I will either run for the hills and just move over to Idaho or I will figure out a way to get the money and stay in Oregon. I really have no idea what to do…

i am not sure what to do. [9.13.2010]

I am not sure what to do.

I know that I want to be married.

I know what Justin did was horrible.

I know that if my best friend were

Going through something similar

I would tell her to do what makes

Her happy, but in the back of my mind

Be screaming; “tell him to kick rocks”

And still I talk to him.

Still I long to be next to him.

He is my husband.

I never knew that you could feel so many

Different emotions about a person.

I love him, I hate him, I wish him nothing

But the best, I hope he fails at every last thing

That he touches, I dream of babies with him,

I hope that he’s never able to reproduce with

Anyone but me, half the time I am so confused,

I don’t know whether to sit or stand, walk or jog.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

No more.

Hello Hello Ladies;

I know that I have not written in a really long time. So many things have been going on. Even now, my stomach is in knots. Just the knowing that the end of Shelby & Justin is upon us. I finally told him “No more.”

I received a text from one of his best friends telling me pretty much everything about Justin, and all of his adventures since he and I had been “living apart, but working on getting back together”. There are numerous girls, and not the type of girls that you bring home to your momma, or even the kind that have ever set foot in a church, let alone a shower. When I asked Justin about it, at first he denied everything, and then he let it all come out. I didn’t cry. I felt nothing.

That is all I feel; nothing. He left me with little bits and pieces of myself, and then he told me he wanted to get back together, and I let him back in, and once again when he left, he took some more of the broken chips with him. Even yesterday when he told me that he didn’t want to fight with me, and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, and that he wants to work on us, I honestly sat there on the phone dumbfounded---what? You just told me everything about you and four other girls [that he was willing to admit] and now you are asking me to forgive you and allow you back into my life. No more.
No more hurt, no more lies, no more hidden details of life.

He was my husband. I stood up there in front of my friends and family and pledged to him that I would love him, and take care of him, and do everything in my power to make him happy, and now he is nothing more than a liar, a cheater, and someone that when I have to write my last name it makes me sick to my stomach
And I work in a job where I must sign my name three times after every patient. Do you know how bad that sucks? I hate it. I am on the verge of tears. I want to get drunk, sloppy, wild, make an ass out of myself drunk.

There are girls that email me, and try to start things with me, about Justin. Justin’s girls. The girls that he chooses over me, and the dogs, chooses over the house payment, and the bills, chooses over sleeping in a bed next to me. Those girls email me and try to get to me.

& You think you can do anything to hurt my feelings? I don’t have any, anymore.
Karma is a bitch, but a wife scorned is way worse.

Monday, August 23, 2010

smile pretty. ♥

I am still kinda sitting in limbo.

I want to write; but I just don't have the time. I wish I were able to blog at work, but I can't...and I have kind of lost my passion. I don't love this blog, like I do 'the hollands"...I miss that one.. I think I will be making the switch back.

Monday, August 16, 2010

hmm. ♥

I don't know where Justin and I stand.
Right now;
we aren't anything,
we're everything.

   I know that we are talking more. I know that we have seen eachother a bit more.. I feel like I want to quit writing on here, and go back to The Hollands.. I miss writing over there. I feel like I just bailed on it. I worked so hard to get that blog to where it was, and now..It's just sitting.

I am so tired. I will write more later.
Working, School. Life. Kinda dragging me down.

Weekend filled with vodka & tequila.

**this was written on 8-10-2010**

This weekend marked my one year of marriage, it was the hardest weekend I have had in a really long time. I cried. Once. In front of S. Wasn’t one of my finer moments, we were driving, three songs in a row reminded me of my wedding, and marriage and my life, and I lost it. Tears just started flowing and I had not one ounce of control over them. It was embarrassing.

Friday night I went out with a bunch of friends. Drank margaritas, and shots of tequila, mixed drinks. It was fun…by the end of the night I was a hot mess. I did not cry, I just went home, and passed out. Woke up the next morning; feeling like a champ.

Saturday night S & I went to the races, and I drank a little bit there, but nothing major. It was fun, we went with one of my friends and her hubby and their two kids. She seriously has the cutest kids, and they are so well behaved.

Sunday, I did not want to be alone. I spent a large portion of the day in bed, not doing anything, trying to not look at my wedding album. I held one picture in my hand pretty much the entire time I was in bed. A picture my niece took of J and I, right after the wedding. We are both smiling huge, we’re looking at each other, and there is just so much love and happiness you can feel it.

It makes me question where that went. When did we stop caring what the other thought, when did we stop letting the other voice their opinion, when did our marriage stop being important. When did we stop fighting for what we both wanted. Even now I am not a hundred percent sure why we aren’t together. I hate the feeling of wishey washey ness. I love him. I want him back, but I don’t. All at the same time.

Monday, August 9, 2010

What a weekend; One Year was 8-8-09

I will be giving you all a full update tomorrow.. mostly I spent the weekend drunk.

Justin is seeing other people.
{big girls.}

here is a recent recap of a conversation;

you say you upgraded. i say you upsized.
you say you never wanted children. i say she has two.
you say you can do better than me.
i say i am already by having left you & not going back.

I am so tired of the phone calls. The wanting to get back together.
Just leave me alone.
I smile when you aren't around. I smile until I talk to you.

{& it has not one thing to do with you. sucks don't it.}

august 5th. 2010

Today, I am pissed. I do not want to see, speak, or even think about Justin. I am furious with him. I am livid. I am to the point where if I saw him walking down the street I would seriously consider hitting him with my car.

He’s been laid off, he get unemployment. He also had a paycheck come through that was right around $800. Instead of doing the responsible thing, he went out and went drinking with his friends. He blew through the money like it was nothing. Did not give me any money to go toward bills, or rent or anything.

Today, I woke up…went to turn on the tv to listen to music—tv turned off. Nice. Really Nice. Home phone. Turned off. Again---nice. My house payment is due, $800, I had $400 left over from my last paycheck, but I had to get into the fund for expenses, and had to get some work done on my car, to be able to get back and forth to work, now I am sitting at about $150. My check is short this time-- $658, to be exact.. $650 + 150= 800. House paid. Rocking eight dollars for two weeks--- .57 CENTS A DAY.

Excuse me, I need to go bang my head against the way repeatedly.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

limbo. ♥

I am in this limbo, this feeling of;
Am I making a mistake…? Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I have tried harder? Should I have waited longer? Should I have never gotten the papers to begin with…?
I keep going through these little spurts where I want to be his wife.
I want to be the one that he wakes up to.
I want to be the one that he tells he loves, the mother to his children.
I want him to love me the way he was supposed to.
And he wants those things; or at least he says he does.
He wants to come home.

Honestly…I cannot do it. I can’t bring myself to put myself in that situation again. I do not want to deal with all the, everything. I hate going to sleep on my own. I hate waking up on my own. But really, I just do not know.

I feel like I have nothing of substance to write about…my whole life is yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. I want him, but I don’t. I don’t want to be alone, but I do. I feel like this blog is so much different than my other.

I am waiting to file. I am waiting because I still love him. I am waiting because he still loves me. I am waiting because I know that I still want to be with him.

Consider me gone.

We weren’t horrible people. We didn’t fight all the time. We didn’t not love each other. We still cuddled on the couch. We still cooked dinner together. He still gave me butterflies. He still told me I was beautiful. We still held hands when we walked places, and he still kissed me on the forehead.

So why…why are we getting a divorce?

I have been just living through music.

Monday, August 2, 2010



I am going to try very hard to write out blogs on Microsoft word, and then post them to my blog whenever I get a chance. I know I defiantly owe you all a major update. I am not even sure when the last time I blogged was. But there has been so many things happening.
I had my first week and second week of school, which didn’t suck as bad as I thought it would.
I worked really hard and got a lot of my classes pretty far ahead.

So on the days that I want to slack, I am totally able to.

I just had a four day weekend, which wasn’t to bad.

Justin and I talked a little bit, hung out for the day, and by the end of the day

I was crying, and cried most of the two hour drive home.

I realized that he and I are no longer, Justin & Shelby, but just Justin. And. Shelby.

We have become two separate people. We somehow went from being married and happy to just being. And honestly when I look at him, I no longer recognize him as a man that I stood in front of my friends and family and told them that I would love him for the rest of my life. I am more upset with the fact that he and I didn’t even make it one year married. Given it has been the roughest year that Justin and I have ever had. We dealt with infidelity, lying, lack of income, job loss, loss of family members, jail, fighting, money problems, bills, so many things that I believed we could overcome, yet didn’t.

I decided after this weekend and spending the day pretty well being ignored by Justin, that I didn’t deserve to be treated like crap, and that I would be moving on. I printed off divorce papers, and I have them most of the way filled out. I just need to get all of our bills together, and take copies of them, and write out all the debt that needs to be paid off. It is going to be so much work, just because there are so many bills. I know that it is for the better. I just think it is going to be so strange to no longer be his wife.

Or to just not be a wife in general.

If I weren’t in school, I would run. Far away, as far and hard as possible. I do not do well with being in the same area as him. I don’t like knowing where he is, or not knowing where he is. I don’t like being able to call him, or not being able to call him. I want to just move on. I want to erase him from my life, remove the pictures from the walls, take the ring off, put all the memories in a box, and high up into a closet where they can collect dust, and become a “once upon a time..I was married.” But I live in a small town, people know I am married. I don’t want to go to court. I don’t want to deal with all the issues that are going to come with a


Sunday, August 1, 2010

introductions. ♥

For you newbies, and for the oldies… I will introduce myself..

I am 24, and I am getting a divorce. As I write this, I am a week shy of my one year anniversary of marriage. I married J on August 8th, 2009. We have been together just about 5 years. We struggled, pretty close to the whole time. If you want to read more about our life, together, please feel free to check out my other blog, The Hollands.

I have been living on my own for almost a month now. And before that J and I had been living together, but in separate rooms. I would go to bed and he would stay up and watch tv, and fall asleep on the couch. I hated sleeping alone, and I hated that I got used to sleeping by myself. I also hate that it doesn’t bother me anymore to sleep alone.

I am living life, one day at a time. Which is a struggle, but I keep myself really busy, so I don’t have much time to think about anything else. I work full time at a local hospital, and I go to school full time near my home. It is hard, because a lot of the time, I am doing homework on lunches, or breaks, or when we are slow at work, and then I stay up late to do homework also. I have school usually until 10 at night, then homework, then have to be up for work at 5:40. Makes for a long day.

I have three amazing dogs. Jake, Ellie and Tucker. Ellie is my best friend, I love that dog as more that my own child, but as my rock. She has been there for me through so many times, whether it be sitting on the couch bawling my eyes out thinking about Justin, or watching a sad movie, or when she and I both start feeling out of shape and chubby, going for long walks, coming back huffing and puffing, and then going to take a nap together. She is the one thing that I would do anything and everything in my power to save. I used to say that I loved Ellie more than most people—I now know that is true.

I am the eldest of four girls. My three sisters are crazy, beautiful, full of life, & drama. :] But really, they are some of the most amazing women you will ever know. My parents have been married almost 26 years, and they are so amazing also. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I hope you enjoy my blog, and the journey that I am going through.. I am sure there will be some days when I just don’t know what to do, and days where all I want to do is sit and cry. But.. I am going to be here.. blogging about it. J


love lives on. ♥

and even though i cry like crazy
even though it hurts so bad
i'm thankful for the time god gave me
even though we couldn't make it last
i'm learning how to live without you
even though i don't want to
and even with you gone love lives on
- mallary hope.

I made the decision; to stick to my guns. No more back & forth. No more; I love you, I hate you. I want you. I don’t want you. I need you. Leave.
The papers are signed.

I have been doing a lot of my own things lately. I have hung out around a lot of new people. Been going to school. Working long hours and still finding the time to hang out with people. It’s been kind of hard going to bed alone, but I have the dogs, and they do a pretty good job of cuddling me. :]

I was thinking that I really hadn’t been single since I was in high school. I had boyfriends all of high school, and once I got out, I dated pretty steadily, until John and I got together, and he and I dated for a few years, when we broke up in April, I met Justin in August, and was his girlfriend by December. The time between April and August, I spent time dating an old boyfriend. So I was never really alone.

I am single. And even though there is a guy that is interested…I am taking things verrrry slow…to the tune of not holding hands or even making any moves, which works out great, considering he is the shiest person I have probably ever met. :]

I went yesterday and had lunch with my K, we went to a local bar and I had the best philly-cheese steak sandwich & a blueberry cosmo---so good. :] It was so nice to get out and see her. We both work so much, and with school on my plate, I do not have the time that I used to. But we sat and talked forever. Went to a tattoo parlor, and got my tattoo priced…it’s only going to be $100-125. I am so excited. I cannot wait.

I am going to try and get it done, by the end of August. I am so ready for it. It is a dandelion. On my right foot is the main dandelion, with little “wishers” coming off of it, and then on my left foot, they float to the other foot, and I will have wishes on that foot, and under them it will say “love lives on”

                             right foot                                                       left foot

you liiiike it?!?