smile pretty. ♥

I am still kinda sitting in limbo.

I want to write; but I just don't have the time. I wish I were able to blog at work, but I can't...and I have kind of lost my passion. I don't love this blog, like I do 'the hollands"...I miss that one.. I think I will be making the switch back.

hmm. ♥

I don't know where Justin and I stand.

Right now;

we aren't anything,

we're everything.

   I know that we are talking more. I know that we have seen eachother a bit more.. I feel like I want to quit writing on here, and go back to The Hollands.. I miss writing over there. I feel like I just bailed on it. I worked so hard to get that blog to where it was, and now..It's just sitting.


I am so tired. I will write more later.
Working, School. Life. Kinda dragging me down.

Weekend filled with vodka & tequila.

**this was written on 8-10-2010**

This weekend marked my one year of marriage, it was the hardest weekend I have had in a really long time. I cried. Once. In front of S. Wasn’t one of my finer moments, we were driving, three songs in a row reminded me of my wedding, and marriage and my life, and I lost it. Tears just started flowing and I had not one ounce of control over them. It was embarrassing.






Friday night I went out with a bunch of friends. Drank margaritas, and shots of tequila, mixed drinks. It was fun…by the end of the night I was a hot mess. I did not cry, I just went home, and passed out. Woke up the next morning; feeling like a champ.






Saturday night S & I went to the races, and I drank a little bit there, but nothing major. It was fun, we went with one of my friends and her hubby and their two kids. She seriously has the cutest kids, and they are so well behaved.






Sunday, I did not want to be alone. I spent a large portion of the day in bed, not doing anything, trying to not look at my wedding album. I held one picture in my hand pretty much the entire time I was in bed. A picture my niece took of J and I, right after the wedding. We are both smiling huge, we’re looking at each other, and there is just so much love and happiness you can feel it.






It makes me question where that went. When did we stop caring what the other thought, when did we stop letting the other voice their opinion, when did our marriage stop being important. When did we stop fighting for what we both wanted. Even now I am not a hundred percent sure why we aren’t together. I hate the feeling of wishey washey ness. I love him. I want him back, but I don’t. All at the same time.

What a weekend; One Year was 8-8-09

I will be giving you all a full update tomorrow.. mostly I spent the weekend drunk.

Justin is seeing other people.

{big girls.}

here is a recent recap of a conversation;

you say you upgraded. i say you upsized.

you say you never wanted children. i say she has two.

you say you can do better than me.

i say i am already by having left you & not going back.

I am so tired of the phone calls. The wanting to get back together.

Just leave me alone.

I smile when you aren't around. I smile until I talk to you.

I SMILE.

{& it has not one thing to do with you. sucks don't it.}

august 5th. 2010

Today, I am pissed. I do not want to see, speak, or even think about Justin. I am furious with him. I am livid. I am to the point where if I saw him walking down the street I would seriously consider hitting him with my car.






He’s been laid off, he get unemployment. He also had a paycheck come through that was right around $800. Instead of doing the responsible thing, he went out and went drinking with his friends. He blew through the money like it was nothing. Did not give me any money to go toward bills, or rent or anything.






Today, I woke up…went to turn on the tv to listen to music—tv turned off. Nice. Really Nice. Home phone. Turned off. Again---nice. My house payment is due, $800, I had $400 left over from my last paycheck, but I had to get into the fund for expenses, and had to get some work done on my car, to be able to get back and forth to work, now I am sitting at about $150. My check is short this time-- $658, to be exact.. $650 + 150= 800. House paid. Rocking eight dollars for two weeks--- .57 CENTS A DAY.






Excuse me, I need to go bang my head against the way repeatedly.

limbo. ♥

I am in this limbo, this feeling of;

Am I making a mistake…? Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I have tried harder? Should I have waited longer? Should I have never gotten the papers to begin with…?

I keep going through these little spurts where I want to be his wife.

I want to be the one that he wakes up to.

I want to be the one that he tells he loves, the mother to his children.

I want him to love me the way he was supposed to.

And he wants those things; or at least he says he does.

He wants to come home.

Honestly…I cannot do it. I can’t bring myself to put myself in that situation again. I do not want to deal with all the, everything. I hate going to sleep on my own. I hate waking up on my own. But really, I just do not know.

I feel like I have nothing of substance to write about…my whole life is yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. I want him, but I don’t. I don’t want to be alone, but I do. I feel like this blog is so much different than my other.

I am waiting to file. I am waiting because I still love him. I am waiting because he still loves me. I am waiting because I know that I still want to be with him.

Consider me gone.

We weren’t horrible people. We didn’t fight all the time. We didn’t not love each other. We still cuddled on the couch. We still cooked dinner together. He still gave me butterflies. He still told me I was beautiful. We still held hands when we walked places, and he still kissed me on the forehead.


So why…why are we getting a divorce?






I have been just living through music.