Monday, September 27, 2010

moving; back to the hollands

as much as I love blogging, I feel like I am betraying The Hollands I will be moving all of these post over there, and I am going to start trying to blog more. :) See you all over there.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

[written awhile ago]

Once upon a time, you made my heart melt; you gave me butterflies and made me think that anything and everything was possible with you by my side.

Once upon a time, I thought I would be the only girl to kiss you, the only girl to be apart of your world, the only one to know you in a way no one else did.

You and I met, and we were both so young. We barely knew ourselves, much less each other. We thought that love would be enough to make a go at real life love. We thought that because we said we were adults, meant that we were. Little did we know that being adults, being married, being 100% percent with that person for the rest of your life was something that was just that; being with one person for the rest of your life.

I realize now, that for some people being that person is not a possibility. I am okay with that part of you, because that is how it is. I know that people change, and that people are capable of change, but to change a person has to want to change.

There are times when I really need to just have a person to hold my hand, I have been going through so many things, and you are not there. I need to let go of the idea of you, the idea that we are going to some how go back in time, and wake up and you have done nothing to hurt me and I have done nothing to hurt you.

painting the town red..

Tonight; I plan to paint the town red.

I am not going to just sit around and not do something because J doesn’t want me to. I have wanted to go out with my friends the last couple weeks and one way or another it hasn’t worked out. It is a pretty known fact that where I am going I will see J. I am not concerned. I want to go, sit and have an actual conversation with someone. I go to work. I go to school. I go home and go to bed. I don’t really talk to people all that much…but the people I do talk to, pretty much rock. J

I am going to wear my cutest pair of jeans, my cute heels, do my hair nice, touch up my make up, and I am going to smile. I am going to show him and everyone else that I am capable of life after marriage. That I do not need Justin in my life…I want them to see that he is nice to me, and that behind closed doors he begs to come home, NOT the other way around. I am not the one that keeps begging to come home, I am not the one who calls drunk and screams at the others voicemail, crying to come home. I am also not the one that text or calls the next morning not remembering {acting} what happened the night before, and asking me to spend lunch with them!!

I am doing it on my own {with the help from my family…that I am paying back J}, I am not asking J for money…the courts will do that in October when my fall term financial aid comes in. I am actually looking forward to the divorce {at this moment, it changes all the time}, I am looking forward to not having to say my husband…well not really my husband…we’re separated. I want to just say “My ex.”

One of the hardest things is a story…for the last five years all or most of my stories have to do with Justin. So when I start to tell a story, it has Justin as one of the main components…I hate that. I don’t want to seem like I am talking about him all the time, but I am. I can feel people getting bored of it. Besides work and school that is the only thing that is going on in my life, unless you want to talk to me about doctor appointments or the dentist, because I go to both of those quite frequently. Which by the way, my teeth are verrry healthy [after a massive cleaning], my body is clean.. I went and got tested after J went on his women binge. You know what I notice more is that I refer to him by his first name now…I type J just to get through it faster. But in real life, I say his name, when I talk to him, I say his name, I never called him by his first name, it was always babe, or J. It’s strange how little things are starting to change.

I got a roommate. I shouldn’t have any trouble paying any of the bills or rent now. I am really excited. He works nights, and really is home about as much as I am. So the house should stay clean, and all picked up. I am slowly buying more and more decorations for the house. I am hoping that after the divorce is over I will go and get new furniture for the house. I am really ready to make that house a home. I bought a couple pieces of wall art this last weekend. It looks really nice. I have made my bathroom kind of beach themed. I have two black and white pictures in frames of the beach, and a glass jar of seashells. I think that another larger picture frame with a black and white picture of the beach would be cute or collections of pictures near the bathtub…hmm…one room at a time. J One day at a time… J

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

some pictures; since I never blog..

I'll just throw out some recent ones. :)

My wonderful friends.

i do love him...

Is starting to realize being alone, isn’t that bad…okay…yeah it is. But it’s not bad enough that I cry, or want to lie in bed all day and do nothing [anymore.]. Justin thinks it’s fun [or at least he must, considering he does it all the time] to mess with my head. Telling me part of the time that he wants nothing to do with me, that he is not going to change for me or anyone else, that he doesn’t care what happens to me, and that he is so happy to be “out from under my thumb” && then, he sends me texts or calls and says he loves me, he asks me to dinners, he finds out from people where I’ll be and will call a million times to try to ruin my fun.

Last night, I got a text from him, after he had freaked out for the last hour because I have plans Thursday and I wouldn’t tell him what I was doing. I’ll probably be doing the exact same thing I do every Thursday; school & then consider going to drinks in CG…so after the fighting, I finally said—enough, I am done. Go to sleep. His reply “good night Mrs. Holland. I love you. Please forgive me for everything that has happened between us, I don’t want to lose you.” I didn’t reply…I was bawling. Then about an hour or so later, he sent a text “Are you awake?” I said yes, he then called to say he loved me, and asked me to say it back.

I do love him. I have never loved anyone the way that I love Justin. I could forgive him, and let him move back in, and forget all of everything happened. But what would be the point? We would just do it again.

You all hate Justin…but I am far from innocent. I am mean sometimes, really mean. I have cheated, a lot. I have lied. Lied about things that have been devastating to Justin when I finally told him the truth. Justin and I have never been good to or for each other. We struggled with finances our entire relationship, we’ve struggled with infidelity, we struggled with abuse, and we’ve struggled. That seems to be the only constant thing in our life…that we have struggled.

There is so much going on in my life, and if he were to move in, we would just fight. I do not have time to do much in my life, except go to school and work. I have the weekends off sometimes, but I work every other Sunday. I got my new schedule, and I have school from 5:50 to 10:40 Monday through Thursday. I am not okay with that. The term I am almost done with had me getting out of school at like 8:40-9:20 Monday-Thursday.

why...? [9.15.2010]

There are times when you look around and wonder what the heck you are doing in your life. Currently I am there;

· Why do I continue to work at a job that I less than love?

· Why do I continue to let Justin get to me?

· Why am I so hung up on what he does with his life?

· Why do I really care what those trashy girls that literally flaunt their nastiness do?

· I don’t even live in Cottage Grove, and yet I still have that drama in my life.

· Should I stay or go? Idaho? Anywhere really, that doesn’t have Justin.

I do not hate Justin. Actually I love him, I want to be with him. I want to figure out a way to go back in time, make all the bad disappear and forget all about the other girls. I want to just erase the things that are/were horrible, and just move on with our lives. I want to go to counseling and have them fix us, give us the tools to know how to deal with stress, the ability to communicate with each other and tell the other one everything that we are feeling, and the way that it hurt us.

But really, would it work. He did such horrible things with those girls. He was intimate with multiple girls. I have hung out with other guys, not been intimate with them, and Justin holds that as a higher sin. He thinks that going to a movie, and dinner or just a date type setting with another man is a greater sin than just having a one-night stand with them. He says that you actually talk on a date, and you establish feelings, and wants to hang out with that person more. He says he feels nothing for those girls, it’s just something that he wants at the time, and they were willing.

Way to be complete disrespectful of women. He says that he has always treated me with respect, but let me tell you something—when you are married, and then you become separated but you are telling the other person in the relationship that you really want to work on things, and that you still love them, and that you don’t want to be with anyone else && you then you decide to step out of that relationship and have relations with multiple women…you just disrespected your wife, on the highest level. It is called adultery.

I do not want to be divorced. I do not want to not be Justin’s wife. I want to still be Mrs. H. I don’t want to be single. First kisses, the innocence of hand holding, small talk, late night conversations with someone new; does not appeal to me. I want familiarity, I want to know the touch of the man touching me, I want to know the way he smells, the way he likes his eggs cooked, the way I know exactly what he is thinking before he even says it. I love knowing him through and through, I love knowing him better than I know anyone. He knows me just the same; he knows so many things about me that no one knows.

I hope that my love for him dwindles over time. I hope he is able to find happiness outside of a bottle of alcohol, and I hope that above all he is able to make something out of his life.

My life is currently in shambles. I am so close to losing everything, the house is out of control, and the landlords are not working with me what-so-ever about rent, I am 10 days late and if the rent is not deposited by tomorrow, they are going to evict me, before last month I had not been late once on my rent, and last month I paid half, and then the other half on my next payday. I am working as hard as I possibly can, and still everything just seems to be piling up on me. I will figure it out, eventually… I will either run for the hills and just move over to Idaho or I will figure out a way to get the money and stay in Oregon. I really have no idea what to do…

i am not sure what to do. [9.13.2010]

I am not sure what to do.

I know that I want to be married.

I know what Justin did was horrible.

I know that if my best friend were

Going through something similar

I would tell her to do what makes

Her happy, but in the back of my mind

Be screaming; “tell him to kick rocks”

And still I talk to him.

Still I long to be next to him.

He is my husband.

I never knew that you could feel so many

Different emotions about a person.

I love him, I hate him, I wish him nothing

But the best, I hope he fails at every last thing

That he touches, I dream of babies with him,

I hope that he’s never able to reproduce with

Anyone but me, half the time I am so confused,

I don’t know whether to sit or stand, walk or jog.