Monday, August 23, 2010

smile pretty. ♥

I am still kinda sitting in limbo.

I want to write; but I just don't have the time. I wish I were able to blog at work, but I can't...and I have kind of lost my passion. I don't love this blog, like I do 'the hollands"...I miss that one.. I think I will be making the switch back.

Monday, August 16, 2010

hmm. ♥

I don't know where Justin and I stand.
Right now;
we aren't anything,
we're everything.

   I know that we are talking more. I know that we have seen eachother a bit more.. I feel like I want to quit writing on here, and go back to The Hollands.. I miss writing over there. I feel like I just bailed on it. I worked so hard to get that blog to where it was, and now..It's just sitting.

I am so tired. I will write more later.
Working, School. Life. Kinda dragging me down.

Weekend filled with vodka & tequila.

**this was written on 8-10-2010**

This weekend marked my one year of marriage, it was the hardest weekend I have had in a really long time. I cried. Once. In front of S. Wasn’t one of my finer moments, we were driving, three songs in a row reminded me of my wedding, and marriage and my life, and I lost it. Tears just started flowing and I had not one ounce of control over them. It was embarrassing.

Friday night I went out with a bunch of friends. Drank margaritas, and shots of tequila, mixed drinks. It was fun…by the end of the night I was a hot mess. I did not cry, I just went home, and passed out. Woke up the next morning; feeling like a champ.

Saturday night S & I went to the races, and I drank a little bit there, but nothing major. It was fun, we went with one of my friends and her hubby and their two kids. She seriously has the cutest kids, and they are so well behaved.

Sunday, I did not want to be alone. I spent a large portion of the day in bed, not doing anything, trying to not look at my wedding album. I held one picture in my hand pretty much the entire time I was in bed. A picture my niece took of J and I, right after the wedding. We are both smiling huge, we’re looking at each other, and there is just so much love and happiness you can feel it.

It makes me question where that went. When did we stop caring what the other thought, when did we stop letting the other voice their opinion, when did our marriage stop being important. When did we stop fighting for what we both wanted. Even now I am not a hundred percent sure why we aren’t together. I hate the feeling of wishey washey ness. I love him. I want him back, but I don’t. All at the same time.

Monday, August 9, 2010

What a weekend; One Year was 8-8-09

I will be giving you all a full update tomorrow.. mostly I spent the weekend drunk.

Justin is seeing other people.
{big girls.}

here is a recent recap of a conversation;

you say you upgraded. i say you upsized.
you say you never wanted children. i say she has two.
you say you can do better than me.
i say i am already by having left you & not going back.

I am so tired of the phone calls. The wanting to get back together.
Just leave me alone.
I smile when you aren't around. I smile until I talk to you.

{& it has not one thing to do with you. sucks don't it.}

august 5th. 2010

Today, I am pissed. I do not want to see, speak, or even think about Justin. I am furious with him. I am livid. I am to the point where if I saw him walking down the street I would seriously consider hitting him with my car.

He’s been laid off, he get unemployment. He also had a paycheck come through that was right around $800. Instead of doing the responsible thing, he went out and went drinking with his friends. He blew through the money like it was nothing. Did not give me any money to go toward bills, or rent or anything.

Today, I woke up…went to turn on the tv to listen to music—tv turned off. Nice. Really Nice. Home phone. Turned off. Again---nice. My house payment is due, $800, I had $400 left over from my last paycheck, but I had to get into the fund for expenses, and had to get some work done on my car, to be able to get back and forth to work, now I am sitting at about $150. My check is short this time-- $658, to be exact.. $650 + 150= 800. House paid. Rocking eight dollars for two weeks--- .57 CENTS A DAY.

Excuse me, I need to go bang my head against the way repeatedly.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

limbo. ♥

I am in this limbo, this feeling of;
Am I making a mistake…? Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I have tried harder? Should I have waited longer? Should I have never gotten the papers to begin with…?
I keep going through these little spurts where I want to be his wife.
I want to be the one that he wakes up to.
I want to be the one that he tells he loves, the mother to his children.
I want him to love me the way he was supposed to.
And he wants those things; or at least he says he does.
He wants to come home.

Honestly…I cannot do it. I can’t bring myself to put myself in that situation again. I do not want to deal with all the, everything. I hate going to sleep on my own. I hate waking up on my own. But really, I just do not know.

I feel like I have nothing of substance to write about…my whole life is yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. I want him, but I don’t. I don’t want to be alone, but I do. I feel like this blog is so much different than my other.

I am waiting to file. I am waiting because I still love him. I am waiting because he still loves me. I am waiting because I know that I still want to be with him.

Consider me gone.

We weren’t horrible people. We didn’t fight all the time. We didn’t not love each other. We still cuddled on the couch. We still cooked dinner together. He still gave me butterflies. He still told me I was beautiful. We still held hands when we walked places, and he still kissed me on the forehead.

So why…why are we getting a divorce?

I have been just living through music.

Monday, August 2, 2010



I am going to try very hard to write out blogs on Microsoft word, and then post them to my blog whenever I get a chance. I know I defiantly owe you all a major update. I am not even sure when the last time I blogged was. But there has been so many things happening.
I had my first week and second week of school, which didn’t suck as bad as I thought it would.
I worked really hard and got a lot of my classes pretty far ahead.

So on the days that I want to slack, I am totally able to.

I just had a four day weekend, which wasn’t to bad.

Justin and I talked a little bit, hung out for the day, and by the end of the day

I was crying, and cried most of the two hour drive home.

I realized that he and I are no longer, Justin & Shelby, but just Justin. And. Shelby.

We have become two separate people. We somehow went from being married and happy to just being. And honestly when I look at him, I no longer recognize him as a man that I stood in front of my friends and family and told them that I would love him for the rest of my life. I am more upset with the fact that he and I didn’t even make it one year married. Given it has been the roughest year that Justin and I have ever had. We dealt with infidelity, lying, lack of income, job loss, loss of family members, jail, fighting, money problems, bills, so many things that I believed we could overcome, yet didn’t.

I decided after this weekend and spending the day pretty well being ignored by Justin, that I didn’t deserve to be treated like crap, and that I would be moving on. I printed off divorce papers, and I have them most of the way filled out. I just need to get all of our bills together, and take copies of them, and write out all the debt that needs to be paid off. It is going to be so much work, just because there are so many bills. I know that it is for the better. I just think it is going to be so strange to no longer be his wife.

Or to just not be a wife in general.

If I weren’t in school, I would run. Far away, as far and hard as possible. I do not do well with being in the same area as him. I don’t like knowing where he is, or not knowing where he is. I don’t like being able to call him, or not being able to call him. I want to just move on. I want to erase him from my life, remove the pictures from the walls, take the ring off, put all the memories in a box, and high up into a closet where they can collect dust, and become a “once upon a time..I was married.” But I live in a small town, people know I am married. I don’t want to go to court. I don’t want to deal with all the issues that are going to come with a


Sunday, August 1, 2010

introductions. ♥

For you newbies, and for the oldies… I will introduce myself..

I am 24, and I am getting a divorce. As I write this, I am a week shy of my one year anniversary of marriage. I married J on August 8th, 2009. We have been together just about 5 years. We struggled, pretty close to the whole time. If you want to read more about our life, together, please feel free to check out my other blog, The Hollands.

I have been living on my own for almost a month now. And before that J and I had been living together, but in separate rooms. I would go to bed and he would stay up and watch tv, and fall asleep on the couch. I hated sleeping alone, and I hated that I got used to sleeping by myself. I also hate that it doesn’t bother me anymore to sleep alone.

I am living life, one day at a time. Which is a struggle, but I keep myself really busy, so I don’t have much time to think about anything else. I work full time at a local hospital, and I go to school full time near my home. It is hard, because a lot of the time, I am doing homework on lunches, or breaks, or when we are slow at work, and then I stay up late to do homework also. I have school usually until 10 at night, then homework, then have to be up for work at 5:40. Makes for a long day.

I have three amazing dogs. Jake, Ellie and Tucker. Ellie is my best friend, I love that dog as more that my own child, but as my rock. She has been there for me through so many times, whether it be sitting on the couch bawling my eyes out thinking about Justin, or watching a sad movie, or when she and I both start feeling out of shape and chubby, going for long walks, coming back huffing and puffing, and then going to take a nap together. She is the one thing that I would do anything and everything in my power to save. I used to say that I loved Ellie more than most people—I now know that is true.

I am the eldest of four girls. My three sisters are crazy, beautiful, full of life, & drama. :] But really, they are some of the most amazing women you will ever know. My parents have been married almost 26 years, and they are so amazing also. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I hope you enjoy my blog, and the journey that I am going through.. I am sure there will be some days when I just don’t know what to do, and days where all I want to do is sit and cry. But.. I am going to be here.. blogging about it. J


love lives on. ♥

and even though i cry like crazy
even though it hurts so bad
i'm thankful for the time god gave me
even though we couldn't make it last
i'm learning how to live without you
even though i don't want to
and even with you gone love lives on
- mallary hope.

I made the decision; to stick to my guns. No more back & forth. No more; I love you, I hate you. I want you. I don’t want you. I need you. Leave.
The papers are signed.

I have been doing a lot of my own things lately. I have hung out around a lot of new people. Been going to school. Working long hours and still finding the time to hang out with people. It’s been kind of hard going to bed alone, but I have the dogs, and they do a pretty good job of cuddling me. :]

I was thinking that I really hadn’t been single since I was in high school. I had boyfriends all of high school, and once I got out, I dated pretty steadily, until John and I got together, and he and I dated for a few years, when we broke up in April, I met Justin in August, and was his girlfriend by December. The time between April and August, I spent time dating an old boyfriend. So I was never really alone.

I am single. And even though there is a guy that is interested…I am taking things verrrry slow…to the tune of not holding hands or even making any moves, which works out great, considering he is the shiest person I have probably ever met. :]

I went yesterday and had lunch with my K, we went to a local bar and I had the best philly-cheese steak sandwich & a blueberry cosmo---so good. :] It was so nice to get out and see her. We both work so much, and with school on my plate, I do not have the time that I used to. But we sat and talked forever. Went to a tattoo parlor, and got my tattoo priced…it’s only going to be $100-125. I am so excited. I cannot wait.

I am going to try and get it done, by the end of August. I am so ready for it. It is a dandelion. On my right foot is the main dandelion, with little “wishers” coming off of it, and then on my left foot, they float to the other foot, and I will have wishes on that foot, and under them it will say “love lives on”

                             right foot                                                       left foot

you liiiike it?!?